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The Centre Update - Fall '02
EDUCATIONAL, HYSTERICAL, INSPIRATIONAL
Dr. Markus has pulled together some of the best emails he has recently received
and put them on a web page. There are three or four that he has published
here for you:
1. Historical Notes:
In George Washington's days, there were no cameras. One's image was
either sculpted or painted. Some paintings of George Washington showed
him standing behind a desk with one arm behind his back while others
showed both legs and both arms. Prices charged by painters were not
based on how many people were to be painted, but by how many limbs were
to be painted. Arms and legs were "limbs;" therefore, painting them
would cost the buyer more. Hence, the expression, "Okay, but it'll cost
you an arm and a leg."
******************
As incredible as it sounds, men and women took baths only twice a year!
(May & October) Women always kept their hair covered while men shaved
their heads (because of lice and bugs) and wore wigs. Wealthy men could
afford good wigs. The wigs couldn't be washed so to clean them, they
could carve out a loaf of bread, put the wig in the shell and bake it
for 30 minutes. The heat would make the wig big and fluffy, hence the
term "big wig." Today we often use the expression "Here comes the Big
Wig" because someone appears to be or is powerful and wealthy.
******************
In the late 1700's, many houses consisted of a large room with only one
chair. Commonly, a long wide board was folded down from the wall and
used for dining. The "head of the household" always sat in the chair
while everyone else ate sitting on the floor. Once in a while an invited
guest would be offered to sit in this chair during a meal whom was
almost always a man. To sit-in the chair meant you were important and in
charge. Sitting in the chair, one was called the "chair man." Today, in
business, we use the expression/title "Chairman."
******************
Needless to say, personal hygiene left much room for improvement. As a
result, many women and men had developed acne scars by adulthood. The
women would spread bee's wax over their facial skin to smooth out their
complexions. When they were speaking to each other, if a woman began to
stare at another woman's face she was told "mind your own bee's wax."
Should the woman smile, the wax would crack, hence the term "crack a
smile." Also, when they sat too close to the fire, the wax would melt,
and therefore, the expression "losing face."
******************
Ladies wore corsets which would lace up in the front. A tightly tied
lace was worn by a proper and dignified lady as in "straight laced."
******************
Common entertainment included playing cards. However, there was a tax
levied when purchasing playing cards but only applicable to the "ace of
spades."
To avoid paying the tax, people would purchase 51 cards instead. Yet,
since games require 52 cards, these people were thought to be
stupid or dumb because they weren't "playing with a full deck."
******************
Early politicians required feedback from the public to determine what
was considered important to the people. Since there were no telephones,
TV's or radios, the politicians sent their assistants to local taverns,
pubs and bars who were told to "go sip some ale" and listen to people's
conversations and political concerns. Many assistants were dispatched at
different times. "You go sip here" and "You go sip there." The two words
"go sip" were eventually combined when referring to the local opinion
and thus, we have the term "gossip."
******************
At local taverns, pubs and bars, people drank from pint and quart-sized
containers. A bar maid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and
keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who
was drinking in "pints" and who was drinking in "quarts." Hence, the
term "minding your"P's and Q's."
2. POLITICAL HUMOR - TWO COWS:
. . . . . DEMOCRAT:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . Your neighbor has none.
. . . . . You feel guilty for being successful.
. . . . . You vote people into office that put a tax on your cows, forcing
. . . . . you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you
. . . . . voted for then take the tax money, buy a cow and give it to your
. . . . . neighbor. You feel righteous.
. . . . . Barbara Streisand sings for you.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . SOCIALIST:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form
. . . . . a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . REPUBLICAN:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . Your neighbor has none.
. . . . . So?
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . COMMUNIST:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait
. . . . . in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and
sour.
. . . . .
. . . . . . . . . . CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
. . . . . . . . . .
. . . . . DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to
. . . . . support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which
. . . . . was a gift from your government.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other,
. . . . . pays you for the milk, and then pours the milk down the drain.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . AMERICAN CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd
. one.
. . . . . You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are
. . . . . . surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement
to
. . . . . the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing
. . . . . expenses. Your stock goes up.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . FRENCH CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . You go on strike because you want three cows.
. . . . . You go to lunch.
. . . . . Life is good.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . JAPANESE CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary
. . . . . cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on
. . . . . unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class
. . . . . at cow school.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . GERMAN CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
. . . . . give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
. . . . . Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . ITALIAN CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While
. . . . . ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch.
. . . . . Life is good.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two cows.
. . . . . You count them and learn you have five cows.
. . . . . You have some more vodka.
. . . . . You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
. . . . . You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
. . . . . You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You
. . . . . produce your 10th, 5-year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia
. . . . . shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . TALIBAN CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two. You don't
. . . . . milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
. . . . . At night when no one is looking, you have sex with both of them.
. . . . . Then you kill them and claim a US bomb blew them up
. . . . . while they were in the hospital.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . POLISH CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have two bulls.
. . . . . Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk
. . . . . them.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . FLORIDA CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have a black cow and a brown cow.
. . . . . Everyone votes for the best looking one.
. . . . . Some of the people who like the brown one best,
. . . . . vote for the black one.
. . . . . Some people vote for both.
. . . . . Some people vote for neither.
. . . . . Some people can't figure out how to vote at all. Finally, a
. . . . . bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which is the
. . . . . best-looking one.
. . . . .
. . . . .
. . . . . NEW YORK CORPORATION:
. . . . . You have fifteen million cows.
. . . . . You have to choose which one will be the leader of the herd, so
. . . . . you pick some fat cow from Arkansas.
3. INSPIRATIONAL:
She is 92 years old, petite, well poised, and proud. She is fully dressed
each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed, and her
makeup perfectly applied, in spite of the fact she is legally blind.
Today she has moved to a nursing home. Her husband of 70 years recently
passed away, making this move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home,
where I am employed, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready. As
she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description
of her tiny room, including the eyelet curtains that had been hung on her
window.
"I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having
just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the
room...just wait," I said. Then she spoke these words that I will never
forget: "That does not have anything to do with it," she gently replied.
"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room
or not, does not depend on how the furniture is arranged. It is how I arrange
my mind. I have already decided to love it.
It is a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice. I
can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts
of my body that no longer work, or I can get out of bed and be thankful
for the ones that do work. Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open,
I will focus on the new day and all of the happy memories I have stored
away...just for this time in my life.
Old age is like a bank account. You withdraw from what you have already
put in.
I BELIEVE
I believe- that our background and circumstances may have influenced who
we are, but we are responsible for who we become.
I believe- that no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you
every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.
I believe- that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them
to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
I believe- that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest
distance. Same goes for true love.
I believe- that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to
be.
I believe- that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It
may be the last time you see them.
I believe- that you can keep going, long after you can't.
I believe- that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe- that either you control your attitude or it controls you.
I believe- that heroes are the people who do what has to be done when it
needs to be done, regardless of the consequences.
I believe- that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I believe- that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have
the best time.
I believe- that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're
down, will be the ones to help you get back up.
I believe- that sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but
that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.
I believe- that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you've
had and what you've learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays
you've celebrated.
I believe- that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes
you have to learn to forgive yourself.
I believe- that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't
stop for your grief.
I believe- that just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't
love each other And just because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they
do.
I believe- that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could
change your life forever.
I believe- that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something
totally different.
I believe- that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people
who don't even know you.
I believe- that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend
cries out to you you will find the strength to help.
I believe- that credentials on the wall do not make you a decent human being.
I believe- that the people you care about most in life are taken from you
too soon.
Send this to the people YOU BELIEVE in. I just did!
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